Conclusion of the year...

I need help!

i need a break... this year's so tiring... so many things happen.... Just hope ppl can be more understanding... cos i'm exhausted.... Love... is not my everything... how i wish that can happen...

The gloom is back..

I played in the rain for a while today...

It's was raining cats and dogs.. really so darn heavy... with lightning and stuff... But strangely i feel so nice...I dun usually fancy rain... but today it's so nice... so beautiful; I wish i can take some pictures.. But too bad my camera is so out-of-date..

well, lots of ppl ask me to update.. seems i still got some ''fans'' eh? hmm... or just being busybody?? wahaha (just kidding)

Well, sorry for not updating... Been busy designing a blog for my bf as an anniversary present

(Since he's not reading this.. shld still be a surprise.. ^^)

Hmmm.... Lots of funny things happened to me lately...

I must mention that i've got a ''new'' fren... A fren which i couldn;t think of having in the first place...

It occurs so strangely... stange, but nice.

Well, i talk to this new fren of mine for bout 2 hours the other day... sleepless night eh...

These few days been thinking of what he said to me...

But something he said freaks me out... "I've the power to make u two together,"

"But i also have the power to break both of u up"

Gosh, this sentence really creeps me to the bone...

Do i trust the wrong person?

Well, i dun care so much now~

I'm here to share something with you all...

All i know is love is very fragile.. when u think u know someone... but actually u dun...

I dunno wat will happen to me next...

He say he'll help me... i wish he will..

He told me that people learn things when something really important to him is gone...

which is very true!

In fact, i did mentioned this last time in my previous post...

"History will repeat itself unless u do something to make up your mistake."

And i was so angry i asked him how come my bf never learn?! After a painful break up with his ex-gf??

I dun wanna do something to hurt him...

I just scare i might...

But i dun wanna to...

Anywayz, i just keep on having the feeling of talking to him after that day...

I dun really trust him but still...

I feel comfortable talking to him...

At least he is understanding...

"For a moment like this...Some people wait for a lifetime..."I dun wanna wait for a life time....

i was awake by the furious thoughts in my head...
It's was horrible...
I tried to run away from it by thinking bout other stuff but instead i found myself staring at my room's window and going to weep soon.. In order to stop myself from weeping i force back to sleep... and ended up sleeping till noon...

It ruin my whole day...
eventually, it forces me to blog here if not it will continue hanging around in my head for the rest of the time...

i am sick and tired of myself being control by the thoughts running endlessly in my head... I really wish someone can help me... My depression is getting worst.... :'( I dun think people can get much help for me... depression is the worst illness among all the other similar disease... this is wat i read from the book Dr. Jeff lent me...

What am i fussing about? Rewind back to the first day it occurs... not many days ago actually...

As i was searching online for any competition for band lately... because i still dun wanna give up getting my band members together and i realize having events is the only way... however, i fail..

Then the next day i when i reach my school's main door i saw huge posters of the most foundable words "Battle of the Bands". Only my LPZ knows how excited i am during that time.. and i thought at least something paid off after my hard work. However, life's making fun to me... as i was reading the rules and regulations while walking my hope eventually turns sour... They only allow 1 non student to enter and my whole band is non student except me and my drummer.. WTF~
Still, i din give up... i run all the way back to block A and ask them whether this is really important though i know it's hopeless... And yes, my band cant enter...

Told my BF bout it and he suggested asking one of his member from ''his'' band to help out... I agreed cos there're no other choices.. although i had a bad bad feeling bout that....

And puffs!* what i am expected and afriad really happens.. my BF's other band is taking part... since they are all students and most importantly... They are LUCKY...

I just cant get over it... i know they're meant to take part... and y do i care so fucking lot for this stupid band? i dun understand myself... this never happened to me in my whole life... i never cling to something to myself so hard before this... the feeling is like my BF is having 2-GFs.. and it really stinks!

He told me he dun really care bout that band like last time he did for ours... he never find tabs and organize stuff.. i understand wat he's trying to say... i understand he's trying to make me feel better.. However, his actions denied everything... He always talk bout his band etc, what song to play next and learning the harmonizing part so that he can do it druing practice and their band photos and video is all around his computer and he himself used photoshop to chnage their pic... and did none to ours and i bet he dun even have our pic...

Yes, jealousy is the main culpit! i can imagine green gas surrounding me and suffocating me as well...

I just cant help it... all i want is stop weeping everynight and stop looking like a zombie...
And also please let me get what i want... stop giving me road blocks... it's really killing me....

---->(@)

Amazing...

Cant believe i spilled out everything which i bottled up since god knows when....

However, it makes clear to me that what i am encounter now is a brand new thing in my life...

And i am sure it's not a fragile love which i tot it was before this....

This time,

I really wana thank God...





Thanks for bringing him into my life....

Friday Blues.... :(

I'm here to tell a little (personal) thing bout myself. Lately I discovered lots of things. Hell lots of things. I read an article about dreams. People tends to realise what they really feel about something, anything. Well, i do not need sleep to tell me what i really feel about my life, basically... about myself... and also my band.

Irony, i just running away from my problem. Seriously i REALLY do not know that it meant so much to me. So much until i cannot breathe well. I had a sleepless night yesterday (the day before i had my voice exam) And out of a sudden i felt that this is somehow very familiar to me. I did have the same experience of sleepless night before this (As u can see, i can sleep basically anywhere, so sleepless night is awkard for ppl like me) And when my poor exhausted body are fighting those images and songs flashing inside my head, i found myself weeping. I do not know why.

Out of a sudden everything came back to me, i named it the negative "aura". i had this funny thing since i am young. I wonder why. Guess God do not fancy me as much as other people. Seriously i do think that way sometimes. Oh ya, before i continue this, i wanna made things clear. I'm a very emotional person, highly unstable and constantly depressed, therefore, all these conversation might make it feel like i am an useless idiot babbling all the way. Well, i don't care. Anyway, as i was saying, the only thing precious thing God gave me is my beautiful family and my attitude of not giving up. I've fail to achieve what i wanted since sec. school. Therefore, failure is pretty much my close fren. However, although my flesh turned to dust, i still clingue to the my beliefs. However again, I do not have luck like other people do in meeting nice (nice + "highly involved") people who will basically... "fight" over the chance to do things they like. Well, i've to fight for myself. I've to fight so hard. I am really tired. Did i did something wrong to deserved all these? I really fed up seeing those ppl getting through everything so easily just because he and she is more lucky and starting acting as if the world is thiers. Seriously i am tired..... I hate living like this.....

Ok, what is it to do with my band u asked? Well, my BF sms me telling me he has band practice. Unexpectedly, that strange feeling came back again, making me all blue and upset. We haven practice since hell knows when, they do not have the initiative of being part of it anymore. Su Mei ask me to let go since he really wanna involve in that band and i replied her saying i dun care. But actually i does. And i care it hell lot. And i am really angry when i think back that night i was scolded like shit by him when i told him he cares more bout his new band. At last he admitted, saying is my guitarist fault of tearing us apart... WTF~ It's not because of band i am frustrating about, is the same old thing again. Well, to make this even more confusing, i dreamt to have a band since hell knows when, and when i finally found one, it's getting out of my sight. How come everything i clingue to, everything i dream of having, everything i've been fighting for i will not have a peace on it?! This is what makes me furious. Really, band is just another example of the failure achievement but it somehow makes a huge impact to me because i care damn much about it. I am so fucking proud of my own band because this is where i born, this is what gives me the courage to sing and to be someone whom i though i cant be. And the most importnat thing is, we can make good music although they are not music student and i am not a contemporary student. When i first joined them, I cant sing. I sing like shit. And since then, i swear to myself i wana be a awesome singer, a singer who can impress other people and leave an impression to them. Therefore i started practicing very hard and i am happy to see myself improve. By the time, everything changed.

I always wanted to do something different from other ppl, be someone unique and do things other ppl cant. Therefore, i treasure my band although i've tried to find ppl to replace them (although my band is still existed, but is seriously dying away... i can tell...) But i fail to do so. Out of a sudden, i feel like a nobody...

Maybe i shldn't depend too much on something to satisfy my thrist of being ''big''. Well, that's what i thought when i yearn to join Refugee:Images and UCSI Recall, hopefully someone will notice, and i can sort of build the my own network. But thanks to my asshole attitude nobody will gimme a damn. Unlike some ppl, i am not that kinda ppl who will approach to other ppl by own will. I believed what Mr. Ian said was true :
"Being a music student and studying in a music school, u better hope that someone will recognize your name "

I knew that even before i entered UCSI. Too bad i am a lousy pianist (not because of my skills, but my poor foundation). Therefore, chances dropped of being noticed. Who will care of glance a not so good musicians when there're so many exellence players out there? and i cant act like Cindira, i do not have her type of character and personality which in a way, made herself well-known. But,I strongly believe in myself. I can do it, I can achieve what i wanted. But i never realize it's harder than i ever imagined. All i need is a chance. A chance to be trained by the best and be who i wanted to be.

Just pray that lucky star will be by my side.