It's tired to be me...

I dunno what's happening to my blog.. everything's in mess.. but it's ok though...I dun really care anywayz..

I think God treated me quite well... I thank Him for those nice things happened around me.. =)

But, i suddenly felt so lonely today...

U see, i knew a bunch of gals, who study music too, and there's one gal name Carolyn (looks like Baboon) actually i kinda like her at first... but now, i mean.. sometimes i quite pissed at her maybe she's quite hmmm... dun exactly know how to describe my feeling.. I'll observe for some more time only tell u all what's happening...
But, she's defiantely not like that Baboon i know...

And, sometimes i felt quite left out from the group...
(i dunno y! i try to fit in, i talk nicely, try to be friendly.. everything i did is in order... but, still cant really click with them... Sometimes i even dun feel like myself when i am together with them...)

They actually discussing going to one cafe in Sunway in front of me w/out even inviting me lo~
(Mayb i'm just over sensitive.. i dunno...)

I feel like an idiot...

Ok, there's one guy from my hometown named Calvin (also called cacat Calvin) who treated me quite nice and we always stick together since the day i started school...
(which made my bf jealous... damn happy wahaha..)
And he's consider quite a gentleman cos he's very concern and stuff, not like d first impression he gave me when we're still in Muar, i tot he's another very "usual guy" with that kinda talking and stuff... but actually he's not...

And i'm pretty scared tat he'll.. in the end, like my kambing hzmte, at first treated me so well and stuff, but in the end just take me like shit! I really dun wana that to happen..

Well... he's nice and i really feel comfortable when he's around...
I cant deny that his behaviour which include concerning etc. etc. really impress me and these are things i cant get from my bf, but he dun have those important things which i wanted from a bf, so dun worry guys!

I still with my bf..

But sometimes i actually asked myself am i started to fell in love with him??

Uncertain things happened around us every moment... but still.. i'm cool with it...
Maybe i just need another companion when i cant see my dearest so often...

Did i mentioned i am a very very attached person?

Yup.

When my bf is not beside me for quite a long time...
I'll find another person to replace the emptiness i felt...

Which, i think i very very dangerous !!

I am very aware of the shit i am doing... but i just cant help it...

There are so many mistake i am doing and yet i am still doing it...

I wanna be free!!!!!!!!

Free from guilty free from depression free from emptiness .....

Actually i'm just scare to be alone... Hell i am really scare to feel lonely... I'll go insane for sure...

I need lots and lots of attention...

<>p/s: Pek mei actually reading my blog huh?! (WTF?) her fren msg me in friendster asking me to joing their band... still considering... cos joining a bunch of stranger...

Izzit safe?

I feel like rubber....

Tiring day seriously...

Been singing for the rest of 6 hours.. hehe..
*whispering : It's the first time been to Red Box..*

Actually i've asking myself since the day i finished SPM....

Y do i study music?

Honestly, it's because...

a) I dun wanna study something which is same with my cousins (apparently they are doctors, accountants, pharmacies, lawyers...) I... I dun wanna my relatives to compare me with my fellow cousins... which, I'll be left so so so far behind... hell serious man~
Yup, this is my main reason.. and u guys are the first to know tis... not even my bf informed bout this...(proud le?)
haizzZZzz.. i cant keep it any longer..

b) Of course, i like music (before I kena scolded so damn fucking shit by Loo) i just wanted to do something... different...

c) It's cos...... i love singing.... so damn hell lot seriously...
I love singing since i was young.. but i'm "obviously" too shy to show it out... *hee hee*
(my family only knew my sis can sing n dance n neglacted me... :'/)

d) I wanted to have a very own band so badly...
But yet i choosed classical music... sesatz... But i guess it's too late or maybe... no chance for me to turn bek d actually....
Honestly, i really hope that someone can invite me to join their band...
I sure die there stimming.. wahahha!

Yup... i did once tried to hint my mum that actually i like contemp music more than classical music... Instead of giving me response i wanted, she was kinda pissed...
So, i guess i'll just remain silence and try my best to score in every subject...


p/s: Please let me pass my Aural.. next week is the mid term d... stress!!

I'm back !!!

Sry ppl...it's been a while....

Yup, started a new life in a new school in a new environment...
At first, everything seems to be quite tempting... quite juicy feeling... (huh?)

But now, feel a bit numb.... dunno why also actually....

Seriously, totally lost my interest on piano the other day.... ok, let''s go back to that particular day again, shall we??

Well, it's all very simple..
it's Terrible Tuesday once again..

Yup, sweaty palms and furiosly heartbeat which me nearly fainted in Aural class...

Honestly, that day was so fucking terrible!!!

Guess what?! The same Minstrels by Debussy i played for such a long time, Loo still praise me (to be more specific, it's the 3rd time he even praised me... ooOoo..) for playing quite well in the first 3 pages... who knows~! on the fourth page, i got mixed up with the rhythm which makes him so fucking pissed off!! (I swear i wasn't aware of the notes!!) and he made me wrote out the 1+ 2+ thingy which i haven been doing for like... 6 o 7 years?! and i was obviously stunned there dunno how to do.. and...

Everything was like in slow motion... i cant feel my feet... nor my fingers... every cell in my body is screaming for help... i cant do it i cant do it!!
But at last, i manage to do so la.. but all i remembered is, he keep on saying

"I cant believe i am doing this..."
"How can u get ur Grade8 w/out knowing these simple rhythm?!"
"This is as serious as a person who get into U and not knowing how to spell our ABC.."
and agian,
He's mumbling,"I cant believe i'm actually teaching this..."

And when i finally finished d Debussy song, i asked him whether i shld go on to another piece, guess what he said?

Whatever.

Ok... that word and that tone of voice will definately haunt me forever.... damn~

MAHAI!! I know i am weak in this and i dunno that i am wrong and why cant he jst show me the correct one and dun say those words which broke my cute lil crystal heart... (sob sob...)

Honestly, my tears flow immidiately when he stepped out the classroom...

I've never been scolded so badly by a piano teacher in my entire life man!!!!!!!!

Depressed, dejected, despondent, disheartened....

I feel like drinking dettol
(sry baboon, have to use ur phrase.. *whink*)

I dunno what else i can do man... practice and practice and practice?

Guess so....

Anywayz, I'll be dead in two weeks time... (when he's back from England...)

p/s: He's giving me pressure by saying "I wont be teaching u anymore if u continue behave like tis..."

damn... i hate my life