"For a moment like this...Some people wait for a lifetime..."I dun wanna wait for a life time....

i was awake by the furious thoughts in my head...
It's was horrible...
I tried to run away from it by thinking bout other stuff but instead i found myself staring at my room's window and going to weep soon.. In order to stop myself from weeping i force back to sleep... and ended up sleeping till noon...

It ruin my whole day...
eventually, it forces me to blog here if not it will continue hanging around in my head for the rest of the time...

i am sick and tired of myself being control by the thoughts running endlessly in my head... I really wish someone can help me... My depression is getting worst.... :'( I dun think people can get much help for me... depression is the worst illness among all the other similar disease... this is wat i read from the book Dr. Jeff lent me...

What am i fussing about? Rewind back to the first day it occurs... not many days ago actually...

As i was searching online for any competition for band lately... because i still dun wanna give up getting my band members together and i realize having events is the only way... however, i fail..

Then the next day i when i reach my school's main door i saw huge posters of the most foundable words "Battle of the Bands". Only my LPZ knows how excited i am during that time.. and i thought at least something paid off after my hard work. However, life's making fun to me... as i was reading the rules and regulations while walking my hope eventually turns sour... They only allow 1 non student to enter and my whole band is non student except me and my drummer.. WTF~
Still, i din give up... i run all the way back to block A and ask them whether this is really important though i know it's hopeless... And yes, my band cant enter...

Told my BF bout it and he suggested asking one of his member from ''his'' band to help out... I agreed cos there're no other choices.. although i had a bad bad feeling bout that....

And puffs!* what i am expected and afriad really happens.. my BF's other band is taking part... since they are all students and most importantly... They are LUCKY...

I just cant get over it... i know they're meant to take part... and y do i care so fucking lot for this stupid band? i dun understand myself... this never happened to me in my whole life... i never cling to something to myself so hard before this... the feeling is like my BF is having 2-GFs.. and it really stinks!

He told me he dun really care bout that band like last time he did for ours... he never find tabs and organize stuff.. i understand wat he's trying to say... i understand he's trying to make me feel better.. However, his actions denied everything... He always talk bout his band etc, what song to play next and learning the harmonizing part so that he can do it druing practice and their band photos and video is all around his computer and he himself used photoshop to chnage their pic... and did none to ours and i bet he dun even have our pic...

Yes, jealousy is the main culpit! i can imagine green gas surrounding me and suffocating me as well...

I just cant help it... all i want is stop weeping everynight and stop looking like a zombie...
And also please let me get what i want... stop giving me road blocks... it's really killing me....

---->(@)

Amazing...

Cant believe i spilled out everything which i bottled up since god knows when....

However, it makes clear to me that what i am encounter now is a brand new thing in my life...

And i am sure it's not a fragile love which i tot it was before this....

This time,

I really wana thank God...





Thanks for bringing him into my life....

Friday Blues.... :(

I'm here to tell a little (personal) thing bout myself. Lately I discovered lots of things. Hell lots of things. I read an article about dreams. People tends to realise what they really feel about something, anything. Well, i do not need sleep to tell me what i really feel about my life, basically... about myself... and also my band.

Irony, i just running away from my problem. Seriously i REALLY do not know that it meant so much to me. So much until i cannot breathe well. I had a sleepless night yesterday (the day before i had my voice exam) And out of a sudden i felt that this is somehow very familiar to me. I did have the same experience of sleepless night before this (As u can see, i can sleep basically anywhere, so sleepless night is awkard for ppl like me) And when my poor exhausted body are fighting those images and songs flashing inside my head, i found myself weeping. I do not know why.

Out of a sudden everything came back to me, i named it the negative "aura". i had this funny thing since i am young. I wonder why. Guess God do not fancy me as much as other people. Seriously i do think that way sometimes. Oh ya, before i continue this, i wanna made things clear. I'm a very emotional person, highly unstable and constantly depressed, therefore, all these conversation might make it feel like i am an useless idiot babbling all the way. Well, i don't care. Anyway, as i was saying, the only thing precious thing God gave me is my beautiful family and my attitude of not giving up. I've fail to achieve what i wanted since sec. school. Therefore, failure is pretty much my close fren. However, although my flesh turned to dust, i still clingue to the my beliefs. However again, I do not have luck like other people do in meeting nice (nice + "highly involved") people who will basically... "fight" over the chance to do things they like. Well, i've to fight for myself. I've to fight so hard. I am really tired. Did i did something wrong to deserved all these? I really fed up seeing those ppl getting through everything so easily just because he and she is more lucky and starting acting as if the world is thiers. Seriously i am tired..... I hate living like this.....

Ok, what is it to do with my band u asked? Well, my BF sms me telling me he has band practice. Unexpectedly, that strange feeling came back again, making me all blue and upset. We haven practice since hell knows when, they do not have the initiative of being part of it anymore. Su Mei ask me to let go since he really wanna involve in that band and i replied her saying i dun care. But actually i does. And i care it hell lot. And i am really angry when i think back that night i was scolded like shit by him when i told him he cares more bout his new band. At last he admitted, saying is my guitarist fault of tearing us apart... WTF~ It's not because of band i am frustrating about, is the same old thing again. Well, to make this even more confusing, i dreamt to have a band since hell knows when, and when i finally found one, it's getting out of my sight. How come everything i clingue to, everything i dream of having, everything i've been fighting for i will not have a peace on it?! This is what makes me furious. Really, band is just another example of the failure achievement but it somehow makes a huge impact to me because i care damn much about it. I am so fucking proud of my own band because this is where i born, this is what gives me the courage to sing and to be someone whom i though i cant be. And the most importnat thing is, we can make good music although they are not music student and i am not a contemporary student. When i first joined them, I cant sing. I sing like shit. And since then, i swear to myself i wana be a awesome singer, a singer who can impress other people and leave an impression to them. Therefore i started practicing very hard and i am happy to see myself improve. By the time, everything changed.

I always wanted to do something different from other ppl, be someone unique and do things other ppl cant. Therefore, i treasure my band although i've tried to find ppl to replace them (although my band is still existed, but is seriously dying away... i can tell...) But i fail to do so. Out of a sudden, i feel like a nobody...

Maybe i shldn't depend too much on something to satisfy my thrist of being ''big''. Well, that's what i thought when i yearn to join Refugee:Images and UCSI Recall, hopefully someone will notice, and i can sort of build the my own network. But thanks to my asshole attitude nobody will gimme a damn. Unlike some ppl, i am not that kinda ppl who will approach to other ppl by own will. I believed what Mr. Ian said was true :
"Being a music student and studying in a music school, u better hope that someone will recognize your name "

I knew that even before i entered UCSI. Too bad i am a lousy pianist (not because of my skills, but my poor foundation). Therefore, chances dropped of being noticed. Who will care of glance a not so good musicians when there're so many exellence players out there? and i cant act like Cindira, i do not have her type of character and personality which in a way, made herself well-known. But,I strongly believe in myself. I can do it, I can achieve what i wanted. But i never realize it's harder than i ever imagined. All i need is a chance. A chance to be trained by the best and be who i wanted to be.

Just pray that lucky star will be by my side.

O.O!!

People,
This is so cool.

My eyes popped and my jaws dropped....

Enjoy...

I'm B-A-CK !!!

It's been sooooo long since i last update~

I know...

And i now i decided to write something cos my dear fren Baboon said since i'm so lonely why not i spent 4 hours here and do my blog since the connection is slow and i am going to sleep at 12... WTF~ she even decide my sleeping time.... -_-"

Anywayz, i did tried to post something up few days ago but the stupid connection was so slow i don't have the patient to wait to upload all the pictures i took in the musicals i entered last semester... but dun worry folks!! i will definately post it up one day~ hehee

Therefore, i decided to post something ''ligther''

Alright! Let's see my Merdeka day's holiday!

I went to some Hot Spring place i think somewhere near Ipoh or something with my BF's family.. (Uh, pardon me for not knowing anything cos i was really half asleep going that place cos of the performance i had before that trip... sing till 3 am only reach home...)

Anywayz,
Well, i have to warn u that i might bored u cos i will post lots of pic of my pretty face~
muahahaha....!! dun care u can tahan o not i still wanna post! hahaha

Well,
This is the place!!
Ok, u might be able to notice i was still half asleep when taking this pic...

uh...

This is one of the man-made waterfall...
But seriously the water is over 50 celciuos!!!

Dun believe?
Seee? their feets turned pink!
(Erm, my feet is not in there...)

I apologize for not taking lots of significant bout the place...
sleepy la... -_-zzzz

But i still have some of them!
Scenes of ppl soaking their feet in the hot water...
Uh.... yucks~

Ok, now it's time to show my lame pictures!! wahahahhahaha
Dun care!! must see also...! >.< First of all, must do one of the 1-2-5 pose!!
and i chose 2!! :p I tell u... really lots of red ants there....
Painful... :'(


What? i tot tis is cute? ! <('^')> humph!
haha... WTF la...

My stupid BF go bite off the piece of leave there...

N gimme that face when i scold him...
-__-""

Later he ask me to pose at the fake tree and take picture...
and it turns out like this...
I see it's kinda nice and so i ask him to pose like me too..

Manatau...
The picture turned out like tis... *sweat*
Not my fault la! camera problem... >.< A Teck!!!
muahaha

Camera problem la!!
(explain: cant see whole body)

Somehow i feel that i am hugging a stranger...
He doesn't look like him in pictures i wonder y...

???

.....................

Then we go uh... somewhere.. (sleepy la) to eat this very famous lam mee!!


Hahaha....
I must prepare to run when i see my BF...

Sure whack me like siao cos i post all his ugly pictures to my blog...

Wonder y i do this?
Suppose to promote him right??

Anywayz...

Must bath now!!

Refugee: Images

Yup!! now i am going to talk bout the musical i entered last year..... Haha.. i know it's soooo history but i just cant avoid talking bout it!

REFUGEE: IMAGES!!

The very first ''biggest'' production i've joined!

okok~~ here's all the picies!!

First of all, let me show u the place we performed...

This is Panggung Bandaraya Kuala Lumpur...
It sounds kinda lame i agree~ but that place is actually kinda cool...


I haven seen our video yet but i believe we've done really great job!!
It's a 6 months long production...(come to think of it... really killing me)
although i joined in 2 months later than other ppl (i'm last to join in) but still i can feel the hard work and effort everyone put into this musical!

Let me show u some of our pictures during performance...
I wonder who took those... but anywayz...

This is from the scene "Lady of the world"

''Fly u to the moon......."
I love this one... Just look at the picture behind (real pictures, taken from that time)
Can really feel the miserable Vietnamese time had that period..

This is the last scene...
I think...

Now...

Let me take u to that back stage...
This is a the back stage... actually i wanna take the picture where it really looks like one of the scenes in ''Silent Hill''... It's super creepy... summore the lights are flickering all the time..Blue colour summore.. hmmm....




IS making up time!!
Uh... sounds wrong... make uping time? make up time?
Whatever..
This is our make up crew!! All the way from Penang!Man, i'm so fat!!
My heart is pounding damn fast when he's doing that...
I hate putting on mascara!!! >.< Hailat.... My face gone la...

Can u believe that she's actually one year younger than me??
Gosh... i'm getting old... :'(Group photo!!
Alvira hamsap!!

Cindira trying to make Amber Chia's face!! wahahaha

Pictures taken by the press...

Too bad i cant get the copies :(

During rehearsal....

Alex likes people to punch him!!

Imagine how tired we all are.... (except Caleb la... the one with spec smiling guy.. )

Behind the scene....

Some people are resting....

Trying to act cool...

Some people try to act cool with other people..

Some try to be in other people's photo...

Some is setting up the instruments..

Some try to act cute...

Some try to act cute with behind people's back...

Some try to act cute with a group of people..

Some try to take picture with the conductor :P

Some like to take pictures with lots of people!

Someone fainted..

And i just wanna take photo with my make up artist!! isnt he cute?? :P

It was a great 4 months journey being in this group... And not to mention we have T.G.I. Friday's every day duting the performance week?! haha... yeah~~

I wish i can join production like this in future...

So, wish me luck!!