Friday Blues.... :(

I'm here to tell a little (personal) thing bout myself. Lately I discovered lots of things. Hell lots of things. I read an article about dreams. People tends to realise what they really feel about something, anything. Well, i do not need sleep to tell me what i really feel about my life, basically... about myself... and also my band.

Irony, i just running away from my problem. Seriously i REALLY do not know that it meant so much to me. So much until i cannot breathe well. I had a sleepless night yesterday (the day before i had my voice exam) And out of a sudden i felt that this is somehow very familiar to me. I did have the same experience of sleepless night before this (As u can see, i can sleep basically anywhere, so sleepless night is awkard for ppl like me) And when my poor exhausted body are fighting those images and songs flashing inside my head, i found myself weeping. I do not know why.

Out of a sudden everything came back to me, i named it the negative "aura". i had this funny thing since i am young. I wonder why. Guess God do not fancy me as much as other people. Seriously i do think that way sometimes. Oh ya, before i continue this, i wanna made things clear. I'm a very emotional person, highly unstable and constantly depressed, therefore, all these conversation might make it feel like i am an useless idiot babbling all the way. Well, i don't care. Anyway, as i was saying, the only thing precious thing God gave me is my beautiful family and my attitude of not giving up. I've fail to achieve what i wanted since sec. school. Therefore, failure is pretty much my close fren. However, although my flesh turned to dust, i still clingue to the my beliefs. However again, I do not have luck like other people do in meeting nice (nice + "highly involved") people who will basically... "fight" over the chance to do things they like. Well, i've to fight for myself. I've to fight so hard. I am really tired. Did i did something wrong to deserved all these? I really fed up seeing those ppl getting through everything so easily just because he and she is more lucky and starting acting as if the world is thiers. Seriously i am tired..... I hate living like this.....

Ok, what is it to do with my band u asked? Well, my BF sms me telling me he has band practice. Unexpectedly, that strange feeling came back again, making me all blue and upset. We haven practice since hell knows when, they do not have the initiative of being part of it anymore. Su Mei ask me to let go since he really wanna involve in that band and i replied her saying i dun care. But actually i does. And i care it hell lot. And i am really angry when i think back that night i was scolded like shit by him when i told him he cares more bout his new band. At last he admitted, saying is my guitarist fault of tearing us apart... WTF~ It's not because of band i am frustrating about, is the same old thing again. Well, to make this even more confusing, i dreamt to have a band since hell knows when, and when i finally found one, it's getting out of my sight. How come everything i clingue to, everything i dream of having, everything i've been fighting for i will not have a peace on it?! This is what makes me furious. Really, band is just another example of the failure achievement but it somehow makes a huge impact to me because i care damn much about it. I am so fucking proud of my own band because this is where i born, this is what gives me the courage to sing and to be someone whom i though i cant be. And the most importnat thing is, we can make good music although they are not music student and i am not a contemporary student. When i first joined them, I cant sing. I sing like shit. And since then, i swear to myself i wana be a awesome singer, a singer who can impress other people and leave an impression to them. Therefore i started practicing very hard and i am happy to see myself improve. By the time, everything changed.

I always wanted to do something different from other ppl, be someone unique and do things other ppl cant. Therefore, i treasure my band although i've tried to find ppl to replace them (although my band is still existed, but is seriously dying away... i can tell...) But i fail to do so. Out of a sudden, i feel like a nobody...

Maybe i shldn't depend too much on something to satisfy my thrist of being ''big''. Well, that's what i thought when i yearn to join Refugee:Images and UCSI Recall, hopefully someone will notice, and i can sort of build the my own network. But thanks to my asshole attitude nobody will gimme a damn. Unlike some ppl, i am not that kinda ppl who will approach to other ppl by own will. I believed what Mr. Ian said was true :
"Being a music student and studying in a music school, u better hope that someone will recognize your name "

I knew that even before i entered UCSI. Too bad i am a lousy pianist (not because of my skills, but my poor foundation). Therefore, chances dropped of being noticed. Who will care of glance a not so good musicians when there're so many exellence players out there? and i cant act like Cindira, i do not have her type of character and personality which in a way, made herself well-known. But,I strongly believe in myself. I can do it, I can achieve what i wanted. But i never realize it's harder than i ever imagined. All i need is a chance. A chance to be trained by the best and be who i wanted to be.

Just pray that lucky star will be by my side.