"For a moment like this...Some people wait for a lifetime..."I dun wanna wait for a life time....

i was awake by the furious thoughts in my head...
It's was horrible...
I tried to run away from it by thinking bout other stuff but instead i found myself staring at my room's window and going to weep soon.. In order to stop myself from weeping i force back to sleep... and ended up sleeping till noon...

It ruin my whole day...
eventually, it forces me to blog here if not it will continue hanging around in my head for the rest of the time...

i am sick and tired of myself being control by the thoughts running endlessly in my head... I really wish someone can help me... My depression is getting worst.... :'( I dun think people can get much help for me... depression is the worst illness among all the other similar disease... this is wat i read from the book Dr. Jeff lent me...

What am i fussing about? Rewind back to the first day it occurs... not many days ago actually...

As i was searching online for any competition for band lately... because i still dun wanna give up getting my band members together and i realize having events is the only way... however, i fail..

Then the next day i when i reach my school's main door i saw huge posters of the most foundable words "Battle of the Bands". Only my LPZ knows how excited i am during that time.. and i thought at least something paid off after my hard work. However, life's making fun to me... as i was reading the rules and regulations while walking my hope eventually turns sour... They only allow 1 non student to enter and my whole band is non student except me and my drummer.. WTF~
Still, i din give up... i run all the way back to block A and ask them whether this is really important though i know it's hopeless... And yes, my band cant enter...

Told my BF bout it and he suggested asking one of his member from ''his'' band to help out... I agreed cos there're no other choices.. although i had a bad bad feeling bout that....

And puffs!* what i am expected and afriad really happens.. my BF's other band is taking part... since they are all students and most importantly... They are LUCKY...

I just cant get over it... i know they're meant to take part... and y do i care so fucking lot for this stupid band? i dun understand myself... this never happened to me in my whole life... i never cling to something to myself so hard before this... the feeling is like my BF is having 2-GFs.. and it really stinks!

He told me he dun really care bout that band like last time he did for ours... he never find tabs and organize stuff.. i understand wat he's trying to say... i understand he's trying to make me feel better.. However, his actions denied everything... He always talk bout his band etc, what song to play next and learning the harmonizing part so that he can do it druing practice and their band photos and video is all around his computer and he himself used photoshop to chnage their pic... and did none to ours and i bet he dun even have our pic...

Yes, jealousy is the main culpit! i can imagine green gas surrounding me and suffocating me as well...

I just cant help it... all i want is stop weeping everynight and stop looking like a zombie...
And also please let me get what i want... stop giving me road blocks... it's really killing me....