What's wrong with me?!

Seriously i think i need some medicine after the break up..

I've been scolding Calvin whenever he sms me

WTF?! what's wrong with me?

I get provoked so easily... Well... although he deserves the scolding...


Man....

I can feel the changes inside me...

PMS?

Guess so...

Hope that i'll be ok when school starts... i dun wanna scare ppl away...
Cos i need people around me for this time being :'(

I need a hug sistahs...~

I wish i wish...

I saw Jay's comment and i think my previous wish was kinda idiot...

Well....

1. Make me filthy rich! RICH! RICH!

2. If i'm rich, i want famous too!

3. Let me have my figure back and have all the food anyone can ever wanted at the same time

4. Expand my ability in everything~

and most importantly,


5. Forget bout my ex-bf and have a leng zai boyfriend!!

I wish....

I saw Baboon wishing for 10 wishes...

I only need 5...


1. Gonna get very very good grades!

2. Do music n stop laziness!

3. Slim down! Slim down! Slim down!

4. Stop eating so much!

5. Stop spending like tap water!

Hmm.. no. 4 is canceled. It's impossible for me to do that... *drool*

So,

I still got 1 more...


I wish...

To live life to the fullness....
and hope that people appreciates me

Believe it or not?

Be hold...

Feast your eyes...





Hehe... Well well... can u believe that i actually cooked those?!

No?

Well,

I did.

(I've to get a life man!! )

Check tis out...




I cooked every single thing inside there...
yeah~ uh... except the Ebiko and the mango and the cucumber...














Those eggs are a bit ''long'' d.. i din watch out the fire..




How's the decoration?


And of course...

How could i forget these...








I used real Japaanese soy bean sause.. (damn expensive... aiks.. Me really broke d!)


Wait..



What's this?!?!!




Pig intestine soup in the middle of my Japanese food ?!?! (faint...)




Intro my whole family.. grandpa, grandma, sistah and mummy~




Me like siao zabo going around taking photos... See how cute my grandma is...




See how dirrrtttyy my hand was...
(Refused to show my face... damn ugly.. wearing my pyjamas still.. eheheh)

Lai lai.. let my dearest mum show u how to make a sushi...
•drool•

Let's see how my mum makes sushi ya...



First of all, grab a seaweed



Grab some rice




Massage the rice ball...




Then place it on the seaweed





Then, lick your finger...Wahaha! (I took tis secretly..)




Finally...put some uh... stuff on it..

Work done!



Hehe... I put a lot of Wasabi inside that sushi...
Wahaha!!! It's actually for my dad... ^-^ with lots of mum's saliva!

My mum asked me to take tis photo..
She's very happy with it..






My dad's really like an emporer...
Look at all those food...

Wait, i think he got the sushi full of Wasabi!
(better run away first...!! hehe)


My sis says :



"Hou Yeah!!"



So...
How's my cooking??

How many marks i deserved??

I wanna return to my childhood...

What Hui Kee Like

www.billabonggirls.com

冰冷蓝7月

昨晚我打电话给你

说我很想他

你轻轻的说 别傻了 算了吧

雨水冲走泪水 影子 好远好远

他慢慢地拉着我的影子 好长好长

我一直在他身边 跟着他

但他没注意 只是静静 走着走着

看得到 感觉不到 得不到

放弃 我办不到

我好喜欢他

看着他因为她如此心痛

我的心都结冰了

每一个心跳都让我的心小一寸

好痛 好痛

泪水溶进破碎的心

结冰了 冻死了 快碎了 快死了

可是 你知道吗 他知道吗

心好冷好冷 泪却好烫好烫

琴声绕着我的悲伤

弹出我的痛

房里的相匡旧了 老了

细菌缠着我的心

好闷好闷

时间不停的走

泪水不停的流

血不停的滴

心陷入烂泥中 好深好深

相匡的颜色不停地落

把心一块块撕下

好残忍 好残忍

撕裂了

This is what i wrote in 2003.. if i not mistaken...

This particular guy.. who i love so so much... dump me.. or shld i say, toy my feelings?

I cant believe that after 2 years...

I dump someone who loves me so much... But i neva toy his feelings..
That's the diff..

I feel like a sinner...

I'm dead

Have u ever tried to cut urself?

Hold on a blade and let it slice into ur flesh??
And so..

See how much blood can flows?

Well,

I did.



But no matter how many cuts i've made...

It cant compare to the pain i felt inside my heart...

I'm confused...

Do i still love him?


I dunno.



I need time to calm down...

And try to ease the pain i have in me...


I used to write my feelings into poem...

But i guess my creativity just gone downtown...

I cant do it anymore...

Probably i'm over sad...

Sad till numb and cant feel anything...

Although i might look normal already....



I wish i've a shoulder to lean on...



I cry till i've no more tears to shed...

I still cant stop bleeding...


I'm sorry.

I'm a broken wing angel...

For the first time in my life...

I feel that i dun have a soul....

Those flash back just cant stop running like a movie in my mind...

How well he treated me,
How he made my life to the fullness,

Especially this year's Valentine and last yer's christmas...

Fellows... i cant stop crying... although i have no more tears to shed....

I'm still sick.. and i smell Panadol in my breathe...

I cant even stand up straight... I neva feel so damn fucked up in mywhole life...

I cry when i am eating,
I cry when i am bathing,
I even cry when i'm watching my favourite cartoon Spongebob Squarepants...

I've been crying for more than 20 hours....

My heart bleed like mad....

I really hope i can turn bek time... to the days when we are so happy together...

I hate myself to changed

I HATE MYSELF!!!

I rather he's the one who leave me...


I hope that someone can lend me thier shoulder... i wish that i am in KL now and all my frens are with me....

I'm alone here in Muar and my mum hurts me as well...

I need someone...

And thanks Baboon for calling me and company me for whole night yesterday... and also Sean for keeping me company thru sms...

I feel like i used my bare hands...

N killed someone...

Someone who love me so so much.......

I can smell the fresh blood... dripping down my fingers...

And the stain will not fade away..........

My heart was crushed to thousand pieces....

I'm sorry my love........

Sorry for being cruel and heartless....

I really really hope Baboon is here with me......

Alone in d dark... no one company me ....

I need hugs...................

I need my frens...... I'm a nobody.........

I CANT STOP CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I AM STILL SICK AND GOING TO FAINT SOON.....

H..E...L...P...

M.......E.........

My hands are stain with blood

It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I


Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies


Thank you for loving me
Thank you for those memories u gave
Thank you for the kisses u gave me
Thank you for the hugs that i received
Thank you for being so tolerance towards me
Thank you for the presents you gave
Thank you for coming into my life
Thank you for loving me


You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me



When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe

Thank you for loving me so deeply although i hurt you once and again...


Sorry for hurting you my love....

I'm sorry that we end up lik tis....


I'm terribly sorry...


I cant believe that i actually hurt someone who love me so deeply...

I will never forgive myself

A letter for my darling...

Dear,

I fear we're facing problems..
U said u love u love me so much....
Trust me,
I know..

I would neva wanna hurt u i swear to the God..

But the gap btw us become further apart...
Sometimes i really cant feel u love me until u looked into my eyes and say u do...

I know i done u wrong...
I did lots of things to hurt u...
I'm not standing firmly on ground..
I keep on looking out d windows...
I know i'm not like tat last tym..

And i know i treated u differently ever since i started music course...

We're toking bout diff topics...
U are not interested in things i told u and neither do i..

We're so quiet in car where we neva had before...

And i know....

I didn call u 24/7,
I didn msg u 24/7,
And most importantly...

I'm lying most of d times..
Pls believe me...
I hate doing that...

Glance bek all the stuff u gave me and those memories i had...

My heart was in striking pain...

I hope to ease my pain by loving u more...
But it only making things worst...

My heart bleeds everyday...

I really hope tat i can turn bek time...
When we're so closed to each other... Having tears and happiness together all the tym...

No bound.
Just love.

Now u talked different to me...
U stop me from going out with guys anymore
U stop me from doing things i like

And,
U stop trusting me...

U weren't lidat before...

I know u scared of losing me...
I know u wanna restrict my freedom so that i won do that thing again...

But i'm in pressure...

U shld know u can neva tie me up..

Because i'll run away...

Now I'm thinked twice of telling u stuff i wanted to tell u...
I scared of looking into ur eyes as if i'm staring at a stranger...
My heart is in pain everyday even when i'm with u...

I wish that i've not changed
I wish that i can still crack jokes and have laughter with u
I wish that i can still cook ur favourite food for u
I wish to see ur greatest smile everyday...

My frens ask me not to flirt
Stop those things i'm doing and spend more time with u...

But...

I feel empty...

I wonder y... It's not ur fault...

It's mine.. really...



Still,

I believe that u are the guy who i can trust so much
I believe that u are the only guy who can love me so deeply where other guys cant do it...

I believe that I can do it...

It's just that i hav no confidence..

But I am confused.

Since i promised i'll neva leave u....

I shall hold on to my promise.

Love you.

Sign,
Ur teddy

It's late and i'm supposed to be in my bed...

AmZ... I was so fucking pissed tis morning...

Wrote a damn long essay bout us and Taylor.. bet u'll think it's gay..
But try to glance thru all the pics and videos we took last year... and i guess u'll do the same thing wei~~

It's late at night and i still loitering around and tml i have a stupid computer study exam which i dun really bother bout it...

Hey, baboon, better stop devouring food la... i gain weight d~ u think my metabolism rate so high? It's true tat I'm fat at my tummy, arms, legs but not boops too... I also wan Christina's body~~!! wahhaha~~

And I think figure is very important... I rather have a 'not-tat-good-looking' BF (but not ugly la of course...) with a very very good body shape! wahahha (But my bf have big tummy... :( )
Let's worship junk food!!

Hey... I've been thinking bout something recently...

Why am i such a soft-hearted idiot?? I cant stand ppl treating me good and it will drive me crazy..

But anywayz.. dun wish to talk bout it... :X


Just hope tat I will keep in track and walk in the path which is belongs to me...
I still remembered ppl once told me not to trust ppl so easily... sometimes I'm too stupid to think that everyone in this world is kind...

And i have to learn my lesson...

Dun try to cheat on me even thou i'm still young...



And also,
Makind the right decision is so darn important...


p/s : Baboon, try msn me again next tym if u see me ya~ wish to have a listener...

I love violence......

Quit those games...

I hate my dark circle

I hate my wrinkles

I hate my attitude

I hate my smile

I hate my life

Quit playing games with me, God of love...

I hate myself...

I dun wanna be a broken wing angle...

I'm touched....

Please ppl... i will get touched very easily so pls stop doing good things to me~!

Ok, that's not my point...

Wanna say thousands apologies to Chin Ting... (If u refer bek to my previous post then u will understand)

Sorry for assuming her as a "not that good fellow" fren...

She made me so damn touched today!!

Read tis msg...

Hey gurl.. Don b down la.. N don worry of those things too much la. If have any pro can tell me 1 if u wan.. I'll lend u my ears and shoulder if u need.. Frens mar...

Oh my....

Damn, am i numb o wat?! long tym neva have the feeling that ppl actually care for me!! OMG~

I am so bloody touched~~

Really... I always tot that i am the abandoned kid here and ppl usually left me out...

Gosh~ she actually cared for me!! Although it's just a simple sms... It actually light me up.. or something lidat... hehe

Although she wont be seeing my blog (she dun even know that i hav a blog) but still..

Thanks a lot pal~ ^-^

Hallo?!

Hey, anyone interested going to Port Dickson's beach party on 20th August?

Shuan wanna go not?? hehe

I looking for ppl to go along party party party~~~ yeah!

it's just 30 bucks only~ ! my fren can get ticket for us if anyone wanna go along`~

Btw, it's from 6 pm till 5 in d morning... woooOOoooo....

Busses are provided in One Utama..

Anyone interested?

i have allergy...

I hate having allergy....

Hate KL seriously... damn hazy and dusty everywhere...

My skin is so irritated i guess...

And my hostel's water is so acidic...

My body is damn itchy...

And my face's complexion is so damn sesat...

Dark circle and wrinkles surrounding my face i look like an old lady... damn sad la...

Baboon... i same case with u d la... how?? i damn sad lo seriously....

Whole body itchy like mad!! I hate allergy dammit! Look like monster la...

cying.....

Help help....

If she dun care, I wont care as well !

Man... so fucking regret to come bek home..

The weather sucks

I cant get to practice my piano

And most importantly..

I heartaches..

Why must she do this to me? !

Every words that come out from her mouth is like thousands sword piercing deep into my heart...

The first moment i step into the hz with excited mood and happy face smiling and jumping around her, feeling glad to be home..

She stared at me coldly and barked "If next tym u really marry him, I dunno how would i survived..."

I was like.. WTF?! common gimme a break... I just got home k? and of course.. forget bout d kissing on mummy's face... iskh~

It's one year and 9 months d for God's sake! Why cant she get over it?!

Y she still thinks that he steal me away from her?!

Cant she be more reseanable?! damn.. i was so pissed! neva been so pissed with her before!

(except for the past one year... it's all the same thing repeating itself..)

Stop telling me those bullshit as if everything is my fault

Stop provoking me and hinting me tat u are doing those just to hurt my feelings!

How come my sis can be rude to dad and i NEVA EVER raise my voice before in the hz?

How come my sis can get low grades and i'll be grounded for getting low grades?

How come my sis can be lazy and not to do hzwork and i'll be blame not to do hzwork even if i just got home from KL?

She told me that she wanna learn to let go and wadever bullshit... Yeah right~ if she can do that she wont say those things to hurt me~!

DAMMIT!!

Well if she dun care bout my feeling...

I wont fucking care too!!

I wont care bout any shit she tell me and i wont care bout wat i'm going to do next! Since she dun care bout my feelin at all,

Why shld i worry bout her everytym even when i'm in KL?!

And i hate myself that although i everytime said that i will do this i will do tat,

But i neva did anything for my own sake!!

dammit!~

How come nobody read my blog anymore?

Iskh... guess my blog is too messy till nobody wanna read it anymore...

I think got lalat flying around d... hahaha

But still i blog la... hope that ppl will come bek and have a look... ^-^

Anywayz... just feel damn sesat y everytym quarrel with my bf in front of other ppl... not really quarral la... just a little bit of misunderstanding...

Iskh... he became weirder than before...

I mean, after the Calvin incident... he started to watch over me... check on me and stuff...

Which, sometimes really annoying... and now he doesn't allow to me go out with guys...

I mean, what the heck?! he wasnt like that last tym!

And summore ask me stop jamming... iskh...

Hell.. I know he loves me so much and he feels threaten nowadays cos now only he realise that he cant take me for granted.. I'll still go v other guys if he continue to be wat he used to be for the past 1 and a half years ago...

Baboon... i wish u are beside me... i dunno wat to do...

He scares me sometimes...

I wish to be like what we used to be last tym...

I know he's good... (like most of my Taylor frens said.. this kinda guy extinct d...)

And i dunno whether i can get another guy like him who i can trust so much in my life...

Mayb i can... I dunno...

I just scared that i give him up... i dunno...

I dun wanna give up...

He loves me but he dunno who i am...

I cant escape from the sin I am...

Help....

I have to stop hurting those who loves me so much...

Cant bear to feel the striking pain anymore...

I cant take it anymore....

I miss my family...

I feel bad this morning...

when i listen to Bob Carlisle's Butterfly Kisses..

Hey my SAM fellows~ still remember this song? Ya i still remember how much Emily loves this song...

I feel bad cos i've not been going home for quite a few weeks...

I know my sis misses me and my mum too... and..

I can still remember my mum told me my father is very happy everytime he knows i'm going home.. Although he din show it out directly... But still...

But I neglacted all those and refused to go home...

And i din sms my mum so often like i did last tym.. half of it is cos i am so busy and stuff...

But i actually forget my dad's b'day this year~ i feel darn bad...

In case for those who doesn't know bout this song... Here it is..

Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure.

She was sent here from heaven, and she’s daddy’s little girl.

As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.

And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.

Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.

"Walk beside the pony daddy, it’s my first ride.""I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."

Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.

To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today.

She’s looking like her momma a little more every day.

One part woman, the other part girl.

To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.

Trying her wings in a great big world.

But I remember...Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.

Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.

"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don’t mind,I’m only going to kiss you on cheek this time."

With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precise time.

Like the wind, the years go by.

Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.

She’ll make a promise, and I’ll give her away.

Standing in the bride room just staring at her.

She asked me what I’m thinking, and I said, "I’m not sure,I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl."

Then she leaned over... and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there.

Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair."Walk me down the aisle daddy, it’s just about time."

"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?"

"Daddy don’t cry."

With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.

To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses.

I couldn’t ask God for more, man, this is what love is.

I know I’ve gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember.

Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...

I love my dad so much and i wish that i can let him know..

and i wish that i can hug him... and kiss him on the cheek... which i neva really did before...

And i wish i can play around with him just like the old days when i was stil his little girl...

My dad is always a serious man... so our love towards each other was so bounded...

Honestly i neva know my dad loves me so much until last year when i came KL to study SAM...

I always though that he doesn't love me as much as my sis...

Cos he's more strict towards me compare to my sis...

Man...

I'm so guilty...

Hazzy days make me sick..

Hey guys..

Just read news from thestar.com, saying that Indo has over 600 fire spots! i was like WTF?! how come Indo so many forest to burn? as far as i can remember, their forest burning since 19 something something till now? dammit~

Hey i'm moving out to be independant.. hehe.. actually it's for the sake of my big tummy.. getting fatter man i can take it anymore... and cos of Qi Yu and Xiao Hui seriously.. I love both of them.. they're nice ppl.. cheers ^-^

I'm so hungry now... yeah yea~ i know i hungry 24/7.. Just ate the apples a kit gave me.. but still i'm hungry... oh yaeh~ damn touched he actually sent me the apples although he's sick too.. hehe =)

Sore throat a... oh ya, yesterday was our Semester Concert! cool shows and stuff... but too bad i cant be the soloist... that day i perform not tat well... anwyayz....

Aiks.. it's 1 somehting in d morning and my frens all slepeing and i sesat still so energetic... I wonder y.. Miss baboon la...

damn... i hate my behaviour...

and pls let me be healthy!